| Ok, so I know I haven't written on here in awhile, and if anyone is out there who will read this, thanks. I need to vent. First off, a quick update: Didn't do marching band this year, editor for the school paper, student director for the winter play, and lots of useless, boring stuff in between. Now on to my main topic: I feel... insulted. And in the worst possible way: the insult was delivered from someone who thought they were being helpful, but were condescending. I was infuriated! It’s a wonder I didn't go off on her. Back story: At the start of the new school year, I meet one of my newest friends. We'll call her N for the sake of privacy. She and I hit it off well; we saw each other at football games, talked in class often, saw each other at parties, even hung out at lunch. Well, N is one of those girls (no offense ladies) who love muscles, mainly abs. Ok, so anyone who knows me, know I'm not the skinniest person in the world. Deal with it. We are who we are, and I shouldn't have to change my physical appearance just to make people like me. Shows how goddamned shallow the world has become. She's been telling me for awhile now (due to random discussions in one of our classes) that I need to get myself a 6-pack so that I can be "hot"(because apparently has nothing better to do than to discuss, at length, the various depths of my various miseries). Well, fuck, I never knew I had to do that. Let’s go off and get right on that... NOT! I was under the impression that you should like someone because of their personality, and that looks are secondary. Personally, I need someone I click with, and who I find attractive, regardless of whether everyone else does or not. Man, I must be delusional, huh? So, in case that wasn't enough, I remembered something today that someone had told me awhile back: apparently, I'm very scary from a girl's point of view because of my size. And thus, this entry. I talked to my friend at lunch today, and I asked her if she thought I was scary. She said I was, and I asked why. Basically, she said it was because I was fat. Uhm... that makes me scary... how, exactly? Oh, but it gets better. Bet you didn't count on that. She told me that... wait for it... wait for it... a what would take care of it? I'll take 6-pack for 500, please, Alex. Ding-ding-ding! Right you are! She said I needed a 6-pack to not be scary to a girl. Well, that went over well. I don't think it has anything to do with my fatness, because that isn't really noticeable. It’s more my height and build that could put people off. Man, the number of people who ask me if play football... Anyways, that went off about as splendidly as you could imagine. Well, maybe not. Oh, and she also told me that I can be way too nice to girls. Uhm, excuse me? Since when has it been wrong to show a girl the respect she deserves? Oh, well, if it’s a crime, then guilty as charged. I can't help it that it makes me happy to make a girl happy somehow. That’s how I am. Deal with it. She covered that one up by saying that some girls like a guy who is a jerk. Well, shit, that' news. That’s one thing I don't get about girls. Why the hell do they always go for the jocky jerk or the evil bad boys? What the hell? Do nice guys really always finish last? Well, I guess they do, because that’s all I am. Its one thing I can't get about girls. I swear, I sit in one of my classes, and I hear them go on and on about how they need a guy who will stay with them, and treat them right, and not fucking cheat on them, and yet, after all that is said and done, they still go for those kinds of guys. What the hell? Not to be derogatory or anything, but that’s a little bit hypocritical. I know that isn't every girl, but it’s a large percentage of our population as a whole. I just can't understand women at times. So with all of that out of the way, N still kept going. I swear, sometimes this girl infuriates me. To the point here I'll actually insult women as a whole, as I am now, and that hurts me. Truly. I just couldn't believe N, one of my now-best friends, was saying this stuff to me. I mean, I know I'm nowhere near a level of acceptability girls would look for, but still, that just hurt. Saying I'm too nice and scary because I don't have a fucking 6-pack? The fucking nerve. I guess guys like me (i.e. nice guys) just aren't supposed to be accepted by the opposite sex as a viable partner because we aren't up to their standards. Doesn't that make anyone feel any shame at all? I know, I've been on both sides of that divide, the shallow side and the rejected side. I'm used to it, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it keeps happening. (Sorry for this comment ladies) Sorry that I'm not up to the hotness level you require, ladies, and I'm sorry I don't measure up well in your eyes because I don't have a 6-pack, N, but I'm NOT going to change for those reasons. It’s a horrid thing to make someone go through. If you don't feel some shame, you should. And this happens to girls too, and damnit, do I feel bad about seeing that. It’s almost worse, in a way, because psychologically, girls are a little more unstable than guys, as we are trained to me like stone and not feel or give a damn about anything. It can permanently damage a girl's psyche to put her through that sort of treatment, and it’s wrong. I can tell you, I would never put a girl through that of my own free will. But that’s just who I am. I become happy from making a girl happy, somehow, someway. I told N I could never treat girl like some guys do, and its true. It'd make me physically sick, or give me physical pains. Sure, I'll tease and be a little sarcastic, but I'd never treat a girl like the dirt some guys won't even walk on. It’s disgraceful to the male gender, and disrespectful to the female gender. If I die alone and sad, because I'm not "good" enough for any girl to love me, and because all my confidence was hammered out of me by girls who think they're too good for all but a few, then fine, I'll deal with it, and it'll just prove my point 100 times over. We all just want to find one (1) person we completely connect with, and who loves us for who we are not what everyone else says we should be. I'm no different, but because of people like N, I feel even more strongly that that will never come to be. But maybe I should just shut up. Because at the end of the day, and every other day, N and everyone else, including me, won't realize how they've made people like, similar to, or completely different than me feel. Would it matter if anyone did? ~Scott |
